Time To Get A Little LOW-KEY
by thestarktruth
Summary: Everyone is a little crazy, other than a few unfortunate exceptions (poor Steve Rogers). Otherwise, sit back, relax, and enjoy this crackfic's general insanity and chaos. Just try not to let the crazy rub off on you.
1. The Hostile Man in the Green Dress

***DISCLAIMER: Because this work of writing is based on the Avengers movie, the first two chapters are the scenes that come before the huge title drop. I would advise starting at Ch 3 if you want to skip the intros and go straight to the MCs.***

* * *

 **Chapter 1**

"And there came a day, a day unlike any other when Earth's mightiest heroes and heroines found themselves united against a common threat. On that day, the Avengers were born - to fight the foes no single superhero could withstand! Through the years, their roster has prospered, changing many times, but their glory has never been denied! Heed the call, then - for now, the Avengers Assemble!

* * *

An armoured figure who looks almost half-naked kneels before a throne, bowing. "The Tesseract has awakened. It is in a little world. A human world. They would wield its power... "

A greasy-haired man suddenly appears behind the figure and the figure stands up to meet him. "Loki."

The figure hands him the chitauri sceptre, long and golden with a blue gem. The figure speaks, "But our ally knows its workings as they never will. He's worked with the top psychologists at Harvard, Stanford, _and_ Princeton University. He is ready to lead. And our force, our Chitauri, will follow.

"The world will be his. The universe yours. And the humans, what can they do but burn?"

* * *

A remote research facility is panicking and in an evacuation. People stream out of the buildings as a swooping helicopter flies in.

It skids to a halt and only two people clamber out. Agent Maria Hill follows S.H.I.E.L.D. Director Nick Fury. He gazes around with his one good eye, blood-shot from always being used. His neck is abnormally long and thick from always being exercised and stretched in order to get a full picture of the scene.

Agent Phil Coulson runs up to him, tripping on his long pant legs. The director turns and barks, "On a scale of one to ten how bad is it? Answer yes or no."

Phil blinks his eyes. "I don't know how to - "

" - yes or no, Coulson."

"Yes?"

"Gosh, that's bad," Fury responds, his bald head shining. "Ahem, lead the way."

Coulson leads Hill and Fury down to the radiation section of the facility. Staff and engineers and technicians are running around like scared mice, grabbing various tools and papers.

Phil clears his throat as they wait for Nick Fury to tie his combat boot shoelaces. The director keeps struggling to do so with one eye.

"Goddamn hand-eye coordination!"

"Dr Selvig read an energy surge from the Tesseract four hours ago," Coulson says.

Nick rolls his one eye from where he is bent over. "Freaking NASA always meddling with everything! Why'd they tell him to test phase? "

"Selvig wasn't testing it, sir. He wasn't even in the room. Spontaneous advancement."

"Oh. What are the energy levels now? 200 EXP? 1000 EXP with plus four advancements?"

"What?" Phil Coulson backs away slightly. "They're climbing, sir. When Selvig couldn't shut it down, we ordered the evac."

"How long to get everyone out?" Maria Hill asks, impatiently bending down and tying Nick Fury's shoelaces for him.

"Campus should be clear in the next half hour."

"Do better!" Nick Fury screams. "Next half second! You know I don't like when people don't follow my orders! That's when I send them to Tahiti."

"A magical place," Hill agrees.

Coulson's eye twitches as he nods at the director. "Yes, sir."

* * *

"Sir, evacuation may be futile," Maria Hill informs the director.

"We should tell them to go back to sleep? Perfect idea," Nick Fury replies. "SLEEP IS FOR PEOPLE WITHOUT ACCESS TO THE INTERNET."

Maria rubs her face, exhausted with putting up with Fury. "If we can't control the Tesseract's energy, there may not be a minimum safe distance."

"I need you to make sure that PHASE 2 prototypes are shipped out," he says.

"Sir, is that really a priority right now?"

Fury makes an unnecessarily sarcastic UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH sound for approximately fifteen minutes. "Mary, clear out the tech. The world is not going to end! It's going to explode! Get a rocket ship and fly that outta here! Hurry!"

"It's _Maria_ ," Maria mutters.

* * *

Fury does a front flip into the Tesseract holding room. "Talk to me, doctor!"

Dr Erik Selvig emerges from behind a machine as the Tesseract glows brighter and brighter. "Director."

"Don't' 'director' me," Nick says. "Tell me what my prescription is."

"Uh, the Tesseract is misbehaving... "

"Mis-behaving? Mis-behaving? Are you making fun of me, doctor?"

"No, no, the Tesseract, sir. You know..."

"Ah, how soon until you pull the plug?"

"She's an energy source. If we turn off the power, she turns it back on."

Nick Fury looks wildly around. "No, no! Why are you talking about my mother? I'm talking about the goddamn plug!"

He points to a large vending machine holding Red Bull, Monster, and Starbucks Venti Coffee. Four scientists are standing around it, chugging drinks and completely unaware that an evacuation has been happening in their midsts.

"When are you going to pull the plug?! They're wasting S.H.I.E.L.D. money!"

"Sir, that's NASA's."

"Oh, then that's fine."

Dr Selvig groans. "Anyways sir, I was talking about the Tesseract."

"Ah, yes, that can be harmful," Nick Fury says wisely. He pulls out a stuffed horse and shrugs. "Where's Barton?"

"The Hawk? Up in his nest," Selvig says, pointing up. "As usual."

Clint Barton jumps down three stories. There's a crunching sound when he reaches the bottom. "Ow, my legs." Somehow his legs bend back into position with a weird rubbery sound.

"Agent Barton, report," Nick Fury commands. "You never freaking do what I ask you to do."

"I see better from a distance. I'm far-sighted." Clint puts on his thick glasses. His eyes are like round pancakes with little blueberries in the middle.

"And you need to get your identity crisis checked," Nick Fury advises.

"What?"

"You're not a hawk, Clint. You're not handsome enough."

Clint lets out a huff of air. "There's a reason I'm called Hawkeye, Nick."

"Yeah, and it's not because you're a hawk."

"Yeah, you're right," Clint says. "It's because I'm a _hot-guy_. Say it with me."

"Hot-guy."

Dr Selvig places his head in his hands.

There is a moment of intense silence as the two Marvel characters hold a staring contest. Then, "Doctor, it's spiking again," a scientist says.

Selvig hurries over, grateful for the excuse to get away from the Director and Hawkeye.

"There wasn't any tampering," Clint informs Fury, blinking behind his thick glasses as Selvig scrambles around. "If there were, it wasn't at this end."

"From the mouth then?"

"Speaking of mouths," Clint says, scrutinizing Fury behind his thick lenses. "You should really do something different with yours, honey! Put some lipstick on is what I always say!"

A gust of blue energy clouds suddenly erupt from the Tesseract and a vortex is created.

Loki emerges from the heavy fog, breathing heavily. He is exhilarated at his success. S.H.I.E.L.D. guards approach him cautiously, but he is already aiming his weapon at them.

Obviously, Nick Fury has to say something and ruin the moment. "GoddaMN, son, put down your spear! It's not hunting season yet. You're in the wrong century, too. Try the 1600s for spear-hunting."

Loki looks at his spear and then shoots a blue exploding light towards them. Barton tackles Fury, both barely missing Loki's shot. Machine guns are fired at Loki, but the bullets bounce off of him like a boss.

Taking down all the guards and remaining scientists, Loki stands watching Barton and Fury untangling themselves from each other. Barton tries to stand up as Loki walks towards him.

"You have heart," Loki says, pointing the head of his spear at Barton.

"You're damn right he does," Nick Fury exclaims. "What do you think he is, the Tin Woodsman from freaking Oz?" Barton's eyes glow black.

Meanwhile, Fury quietly places the Tesseract in its case and tries to sneak out of the lab...

"Please don't," Loki says. Fury shrieks and drops the case in surprise. "I still need that."

"This doesn't have to get any messier," Nick says.

"Of course it does," replies Loki calmly. "I've come too far for anything else. I am Loki of Asgard, and I am burdened with glorious purpose."

Selvig speaks from where he is cowering behind a cabinet. "Loki? Brother of Thor?"

Fury raises his large hand. "Oh, I remember that guy. Long blonde Pantene hair, right?"

Loki quirks one eyebrow in confusion. "Pantene? What is this Pantene?"

"Looks like you might need a lot of it, judging by the state of your hair," Clint says from where is standing, his huge eyes fixed upon Loki's hair.

Loki glares at Clints and shrieks, "Silence, Legolas! Stop judging me! Everyone always judges me!"

"Just saying," he responds.

"We have no quarrel with your people," Nick says.

"An ant has no quarrel with a boot," Loki replies, leering.

"You planning to step on us?"

"I come with glad tidings, of a world made free."

"Free from what?"

"Freedom is life's greatest lie," says Loki, turning and placing his spear on Selvig's chest. Selvig's eyes glow black as he too turns into a servant of Loki's.

"Uh, no, " Fury says. "The biggest lie I tell myself is 'I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it.' That's why I have Martha."

"It's _Maria_ ," Clint whispers to Fury.

"Goddammit."

"You will know peace," Loki growls.

"I kind of think you mean the other thing," Fury says. The Tesseract's energy builds into the vacuum chamber ceiling and massive shudders ripple through the facility.

Clint Barton pipes up, apparently remembering that he's supposed to be on Loki's side. "Fury is stalling. This place is about to blow. About to ka-boom and drop a hundred feet of rock on us. He means to bury us."

"Well, then, let's move," Loki commands.

* * *

 **AN: Hey guys, this is my Avengers parody! This'll be fun, mwahahahaha. Basically, everyone is a little crazy to moderately crazy to insane, except for a few people.. We'll see how it goes and if they can make it to the end of the movie script. Make sure to leave me some feedback! (And to everyone who just scrolls on to the next chapters w/o following or even reviewing - "Shame on you," says Nick F-swizzle. "I see yOUuuu")**


	2. Chasing After the Hostile Man

**Chapter 2**

Loki and Barton are quickly gathering weapons in the parking lot. Agent Hill is watching in confusion.

B-boy turns to Maria and quickly pulls out a squirt gun. He looks at it for approximately seventy seconds and then shoves it back into his jacket pocket. "Need vehicles," he announces, gesturing at the cars. One of the cars explodes. "Not that one, whoops."

Maria glances at the greasy-haired man a.k.a. Loki. "Who's that?"

Loki does a backflip into the truck's bed.

Agent Hill looks suspiciously at them then walks away.

Her walkie-talkie crackles. "Hello, is this Maria?"

"E.T. phone home! Not my work phone again, gosh darn," Maria responds.

The walkie-talkie crackles again. "Hill, do you copy?"

"Damn, it's you."

"Yeah, it's me. It's Nick the Fury. Now tell me. Is Barton... "

"I'm fucking tired of working for you Nick!"

"Just this one time and I promise I'll get you that machine gun that you've been wanting for a while now."

"How did you - "

" - I've been following your Pinterest boards, Marla."

"It's _Maria_."

"Dammit."

Just then, Clint Barton whips off his glasses and squirts his squirt gun at Maria. For some reason, the truck hasn't moved an inch yet. Maria dodges and pulls out her pistol.

"HE'S GOT THE TESSERACT! TRACK IT DOWN!" Nick Fury yells over the walkie-talkie.

Maria screams right back, "HOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHO I'M SHOOTING AT IF YOU'RE NOT HERE?"

"Or am I?" Nick Fury crawls out from behind the wall. Maria screams again and accidentally shoots herself in the foot.

Anyways, the truck finally starts moving and screeches down the road. The other 25 S.H.I.E.L.D. personnel under Loki's control cram into a single black government car and follow them.

Agent Hill jumps into a jeep, now following Barton's truck. All of a sudden, a bunch of S.H.I.E.L.D. trucks full of S.H.I.E.L.D. agents that were MIA throughout the Tesseract-portal-opening show up and bypass Maria's jeep.

One of the agents flip her off and when Maria pokes her head out the car window, she sees that it's Vin Diesel.

Loki uses his sceptre and energy blasts to flip over the trucks, tickling Barton the whole time.

Now Barton's laughing so hard that his glasses break and Maria Hill's jeep gets rammed by his truck.

* * *

Fury races down the hallway, now avoiding falling pipes.

His walkie speaks up, "You're clear, sir! You need to go!"

"New phone, who dis?"

"It's me, Agent Coulson!"

"What am I cleared for?" Nick trips over his flowing black coat/cape thing but does a super smooth parcore roll and comes back up. And then gets hit in the head by a pipe. "FudGE!"

"The helicopter, sir!"

The Jules-Winnfield-look-alike bolts out of the facility and jumps into a helicopter and barely makes it out of the destroyed building.

The helicopter flies over Maria Hill's car which is now crushed under a mountain of rocks. Jules Winnfield waves out the window to Maria who is bleeding.

Then it flies right over Barton's truck. Loki fires a blast at the chopper, and obviously, the chopper catches on fire. "Get reKT!" Loki screams.

Fury decides to do a triple-axis spin out of the chopper right before it barrels along the ground and explodes, completely incinerating the helicopter pilot who worked faithfully under Fury for forty years until this very day when no one seemed to remember him.

\- This is the man who waited for Fury to get onto his helicopter, even as the building came crashing down around him. Forgotten. Tribute to this heroic pilot who should be the real protagonist. He didn't even have a speaking role. Oh, well. -

Fury cowers and waits for Loki to fire another blast at him, but for some reason, Loki doesn't want to destroy him and just puts on shades. Then the truck drives away.

"Director? Director Fury, do you copy?" Fury grabs his walkie-talkie which remarkably has stayed intact this whole time.

"The Tesseract is with the hostile man in the green dress. I have men down," Fury responds, for some reason forgetting that Maria is a woman.

"Orcs. You're still alive."

"Who is this?" Fury thunders. "Just 'cuz I don't have your number doesn't mean I can't find out who you are!"

"This is Frodo Baggins. I thought I destroyed you in the fires of Mordor."

"Hey homeboy, you can't destroy me! I'm invincible! I sent MYSELF to Tahiti! It's a magical place, I'll tell you that!"

Phil Coulson shows up as Fury is ranting into his walkie and drags the director away.

Maria Hill faces the camera. "Time for Operation Avengers, I guess."

Shrugs.


	3. Red-head, Broccoli, Capsicle, T-Stank

**AN: I'm going to start doing "setting/location titles". It's a heck of a lot easier to write. I'm too lazy to go change the last two chapters rn, so just follow along heh.**

* * *

 **Chapter 3**

RUSSIA, SOLENSKI PLAZA, 3rd FLOOR

Georgi Luchkov and his thugs are beating up a poor red-haired woman. OH wait, never mind.

"This is not how I wanted the evening to go," Luchkov is saying.

The woman flips her short red hair. "Haha I know how you wanted this evening to go. Trust me, this is better." She winks her left eye at Luchkov. Actually, it looks more like she's having stomach issues, but whatever, she's supposed to be sexy.

"I'd like to know why they send you to carry out a carrier, a stained glass and other very random items," Luchkov says, wisely ignoring the Russian lady.

One of the thugs pulls her chair back so that she's almost hanging off the edge. The red-haired Russian lady bites his hand so that the chair falls with her tied on it.

"What the FU - "

"KOWABUNGA!" They all hear her clanging down the pit, and eventually there are crunching sounds and then an "ouch."

Luchkov turns to the thug and yells some Russian gibberish. "SEFFFUTHYINNDE! VLADIMIR PUTIN TCHAIKOVSKY VYSOTSKY PROKOFIEV!"

"Russian gibberish Russian gibberish," the thug says.

Luchkob pats him on the head.

"SykEEEE!" Suddenly Natasha Romanoff reappears without her chair. Luchkob screams like a little kid and tries to run, but then his phone rings.

"EVERYONE BE QUIET," Luchkob yells and picks up. "Da?... Hi mom!... I'm okay... Yes, I'm taking my protein pills... and my laxatives... okay, bye!"

Right afterwards, a random S.H.I.E.L.D. crashes through the window and hands Natasha a note and then somehow crashes back out.

The note says: "Barton's been compromised LOL."

The red-head lady beats everyone up and then somersaults out the window, too.

* * *

SOME INDIAN SLUM WHERE A GREEN BROCCOLI IS HIDING OUT

A little girl runs up the steps and sees a large green broccoli in a brown suit washing his face.

Some woman comes by and tries to shoo her away, but then the broccoli man stops her.

He puts his face close to the little girl and says, "Have you been eating your vegetables?"

The girl shakes her head guiltily.

"Then give me your money." The little girl does so and then front-flips through the wall.

* * *

SOME OTHER INDIAN SLUM SHACK

Broccoli man walks into the brightly lit shack, clutching his roll of money.

All of a sudden, Russian lady appears from behind the curtains.

Broccoli man looks around furtively and then beckons with his hand. Confused, Russian lady shuffles towards him.

The man shoves the money into her hand. "Can I have my coke?" He gives her a large wink.

Natasha smiles. Finally, something she knows how to do. She winks back at him.

He winks back at her.

She winks back at him.

He winks back at her.

She winks back at - the little girl is back. "Never mind," she says, and then runs out the door.

Banner sighs. "You're not the coke-woman."

Natasha sighs too. "Sorry, I'm here on behalf of S.H.I.E.L.D., those effing jerks."

"But you work for them?"

"Haha idk," she says.

"S.H.I.E.L.D," green guy muses. "How did they find me?"

"We never lost you, broski. We even helped keep some other interested parties off your scent."

"You guys lost me my dates? WHY?"

Nat shrugs. "Fury seems to trust you. But now I need you to come in."

"What if I said no?"

"I'll persuade you," Natasha winks at him.

He winks at her.

She winks at him.

He winks at - "STOP LYING TO ME!" Bruce yells and hits the tables with his hands, leaving an imprint on the wood top.

"What? That's out of order," Natasha says. She whispers into her earpiece. "Stand down. We good."

"Just you and me," Banner says. He winks at her.

She winks at him.

He winks at her.

She winks at -

* * *

OUR BOY FURY AT THE WORLD SECURITY COUNCIL

"This is out of line, Director. You're dealing with forces you can't control," White Councilman #1 says.

"UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH," Nick Fury groans. "You ever even been in a war? In a firefight? Did you feel an overabundance of control?"

White Councilman #1 coughs and changes the subject. "Are you saying that this Asgard has declared war on our planet?"

"No. Loki."

"Loki? What planet is that?"

"No. Loki."

White Councilman #1 sighs and motions for White Councilman #2 to take over.

"This Loki... he can't be working alone. What about the other one? His brother," White Councilman #2 asks.

"Thor's not a hostile, ya piece of toast. He's a model. Also, he's kinda... OUTTA THIS WORLD! HAHAHAAAAAA."

White Councilman #1 groans. "Which is why you should be focusing on phase 2, it was designed for exactly... "

Our man Fury rolls his one eye extravagantly. "Phase 2 isn't ready because it has to come after Phase 3 and we're still on Phase 1."

"What?"

"We're counting backwards."

There is a silence as all the council members try to reason like Fury.

"Never mind," Fury says. "You all are ignoramuses. I want to start the Avengers Initiative."

"No."

"Yes."

"Nick, no."

"Nick, yES!"

"We're running the world's greatest covert security network and you're going to leave the fate of human race to a handful of freaks."

"Okay, so maybe some of them are unbalanced men and women, but I believe with the right push they can be exactly what we need."

White Councilman #2 shakes his enormous head. "War isn't won by sentiment, _Director_."

"No, Bob. It's won because groups of ethnically diverse people die of smallpox before the Spanish settlers can chop their heads off."

* * *

BROOKLYN GYM THAT PROBABLY COSTS $100000 PLUS TAX PER MONTH BUT STEVE ROGERS CAN PAY IT OFF BECAUSE HE HAS SENIOR DISCOUNT

Capsicle is punching a punching bag because that's what you do with punching bags. Beads of sweat roll down his face as he remembers his fractured past.

Insert flashback.

Flashback.

Peggy saying something sentimental.

Flashback.

Bucky screaming and - WAIT HOLD UP IS THAT BUCKY AND CAP KI... WHOA -

and an icy sea rapidly meeting Steve's windshield as he plunges into the sea.

A final punch causes the bag to tear open and fly across the room. 70 years of repressed feelings spill out along with the sand.

And Nick Fury crawls out of the sandpile. "Trouble sleeping?"

Steve shrieks and then covers his mouth. "Er, sorry, sir. I'm alright. I've slept for seventy years, sir. I think I've had my fill."

"Whew," F-swizzle says. "Wish I could be like you. Eighty cups of coffee keep this big guy going."

Steve gives an awkward laugh but then stops when he realises Fury isn't kidding. "Aren't you going to lecture me about going outside and seeing the world?"

"Nah, homeboy! You got enough of that from your metal-armed friend."

"What metal-armed friend...?"

"OH SHIz I wasn't supposed to - NEVER MIND, you don't have a metal-armed friend."

"Uh, alright, sir."

"Anyways, I'm here with a mission."

"So you are trying to get me back into the world."

"Nope. Trying to save it." Nick gives Steve a file on the Tesseract.

"HYDRA's secret weapon," Steve mutters.

"Howard Stark is a great fisher," Nick agrees.

"Huh?"

"Some foreigner stole it."

"The Tesseract, sir?"

"Yee. His name's Loki. The world's gotten pretttyyyyy strange."

"At this point, I doubt anything would surprise me."

"LOL. Ten bucks says you're wrong." Nick Fury pulls out a ten-dollar bill and hands it to Steve.

Confused, Steve looks at it. It says 'you're wrong, bitcK'.

Fury backflips out the door.

* * *

THE ATLANTIC OCEAN

An iron man is cutting a pipeline transport with his laser cutter. He saws through until...

"Oh darn," he says as he cuts through the wrong pipeline. Somewhere in New York, seventy-five people die as their gas stoves burst into flames.

Then he shrugs and places his super-scientific energy source into it. It lights up and the iron man rockets out of the water.

"You disconnected the transition lines? Are we off the grid?" A woman whose name is two kitchen objects put together asks.

"Goddamn, Pepper, stop being such a worrisome BITCk and just turn on the power!"

The Stark Tower building lights up. Now it says: STANK in large pink neon letters.

"Yes," Tony Stark breathes out. "It's beautiful."

"Gotta go wider on the public awareness campaign. You need to do some press. I can do some more tomorrow. I'm working on the zoning for the next billboards," the annoying woman interjects Tony's private thoughts.

"JARVIS I SAID MUTE! MUUUUUUUTE!"

"I'm sorry sir. Muting P-e-p-p - "

"Hehehe, you said it, JARVIS."

"Said wot sir?"

"Pee-pee!"

"Sir, Agent Coulson of S.H.I.E.L.D. was on the line."

"Oh dear, was he listening?"

"Yes."

"Ahem, I'm not in. I'm actually out. I'm not here."

"Sir - "

"Close the line JARVIS!"

* * *

FAST FORWARD TO THE 123424th FLOOR OF T-STANK'S TOWER

The kitchen-object lady stares at the monitors of the reactor device. "Uh, like, Tony. I know I'm not blonde, but like, can you tell me how to work this again?"

"Pepper, how does it feel to be a genius?"

"Well, ha, I really wouldn't know now, would I?" The woman gives a ditzy giggle.

Tony shrugs. "Mm. At least you're honest. Unlike my last Tinder date."

"Wait, what?"

"Sir, the telephone. I'm afraid my protocols are being unwritten," British robot says politely.

Agent Phil Coulson's voice emits from T's phone. "Stark, we need to talk."

"You have reached the life model decoy of Tony Stark, please leave a message."

"This is urgent."

"No I'm serious. This is the life model decoy." Life-model-Tony puts down the phone.

Real Tony slides out from under the couch. "Heh."

The elevator door bangs open and Coulson drags his bleeding self out. "Mr. Stark," he gasps. "Why do you have machetes in your hallways?"

"OMGGGGG Phil, come in," Pepper squeals.

"AGENTTTTTT," the fake Stank motions. "Come in! Don't be shy!"

Coulson manages to prop himself up on the couch.

Pepper hands Coulson a glass of champagne and grabs a bloody file from Coulson's jacket pocket (it's a HUGE jacket pocket).

She tries to hand it to real Tony, but he refuses it. "Oh yeah," she says. She takes out a doorbell from her volumous hair and gives it to Coulson.

A piece of paper taped to the doorbell says: "Please ring for assistance."

Coulson lifts his finger slowly and then lays it on the bell. "I - can't - "

Pepper rings it for him. "Hello," she says to herself. "Official consulting hours are between eight and five every other Thursday."

"This - isn't - a - consultation."

"Is this about the Of-End-Jurors? Which I know nothing about."

"Clearly you know nothing," Phil says. "And it's Avengers."

Pepper opens her eyes wide. "What's Avengers?"

"Never mind."

Fake-Tony and Real-Tony are playing patty cake with each other and Coulson can feel his eye twitching.

"Just take the file," Phil says. He limps over to the elevator and Pepper shows him out.


	4. Starting to Get a Little Hard to Breathe

**AN:** So apparently Coulson gets a little loopy when he's around Cap. ^^

* * *

 **Chapter 4**

INSIDE A REALLY SMOLL JET

"We're about forty days out from the base, sir," the pilot says. "Only forty more nights of rain to go!"

Coulson gets up from his seat and calmly walks over to Steve Rogers.

"So, this Doctor Banner was trying to replicate the serum that was used on me?" Steve points to the tablet in his lap.

"A lot of people were. You were the world's first superhero. Banner thought gamma radiation might hold the key to unlocking Erskine's original formula."

"Didn't really go his way, did it?"

"Not so much. When he's not that thing though, the guy's like a Stephen Hawking."

Steve's mouth is wide open enough to let in 1929349 flies.

"Er," Coulson explains. "He's like a smart person, I mean. I gotta sAYYYYYYY, it's an honour to meet you, officially."

Cue the mouth closing.

"I mean, I was... I was present while you were unconscious from the ice. You know, it's really, it's just a... just a huge honour to have you on board," Coulson grins awkwardly.

"Well, I hope I'm the man for the job."

"OH YOU ARE. ABSOLUTELYY. Uh, we've made some modifications to the uniform. I had a little design input." Coulson winks.

Steve turns red. "The uniform? Aren't the stars and the stripes a little old-fashioned?"

"To be honest, with everything that's happening, the things that are about to come to light... people might just need a little old-fashioned."

* * *

DARK AND MYSTERIOUS UNDERGROUND LAB CONTROLLED BY A DARK AND MYSTERIOUS DUDE

The greasy haired man screams as The Other crawls out from under his robes. "Bro, you gotta stop doing that."

"The Chitauri grow restless, Loki."

"Let them go at themselves. I will lead them into glorious battle with my glorious purpose."

"Battle? Against the meagre might of Earth?

"GloriOUSSSSS! If your force is as formidable as you claim."

"You question us? You question HIM? He, who put the sceptre in your hand and gave you ancient knowledge?"

"Ummmmmmmmmmmmm, I was a king! The rightful kind of Asgard!"

"You need to stop bringing that up, dude. That's why no one likes you."

"Hmph, well you don't have the Tesseract yet."

"You will have your war, Asgardian."

* * *

THE HECTIC HELICARRIER LANDING STRIP WHERE A BUNCH OF INSIGNIFICANT PEOPLE WHO WILL MOST LIKELY DIE IN THE LAST FEW SCENES RUN AROUND

The red-haired lady is posing on the landing strip because she thinks it's a runway, when the jet lands.

"Agent Romanoff. Captain Rogers," Coulson introduces.

"Ma'am?"

"Hi wassssssup." Coulson slowly edges away from the crazy woman then runs off, panting loudly.

"There was quite the buzz around here, finding you in the ice, and then I caught the bee." Natasha reaches into her pocket and pulls out a dead bumblebee. She gives it to Steve. "Did Coulson ask you to sign his Captain America trading cards yet? NoOOo? Good because I used them to buy a rifle off of Etsy." Steve nods slowly, looking at the insect in his hand in slight disgust.

Bruce Banner, the green vegetable, frontflips five thousand times towards the two of them. "Hi. Hi. Hi. Dr"

"Dr. Banner," Steve says.

The scientist shoves five glasses onto his face and peers at Steve. "AH! You scared me!"

"Sorry, doctor."

Natasha takes out a box of chocolates and stuffs three of them into her mouth. "Gentlemen, you may wanna step inside in a minute. It's gonna get a little hard to breathe." Neither Banner nor Steve moves.

The red-head stuffs ten chocolates into Steve's face and winks. "Are you choking yet?"

"MPHHHHHHHHHHHHH."

"Wait I know CPR." Bruce brings out a large slice of pie, sticks it on Steve's back and begins to twerk. "CRAZY PASTRY and RACY."

Meanwhile, Steve finally spits out all the chocolate and manages a whisper-scream because he's too nice to yell.

And also because his throat hurts like hell.

* * *

INSIDE THE FRICKING HELICARRIER WHERE A BUNCH OF PEOPLE WHO PROBABLY WENT TO HARVARD ARE WORKING

"Gentlemen!" Nick Fury executes a series of ballet leaps and twirls as Steve and Bruce walk in.

Steve blinks rapidly. Banner and Fury try to shake each other's hands but every time they do, a magical card appears in between their hands and they can't.

"WHat theeee..." Coulson snatches the card out of their hands and looks at it. "THESE ARE MY VINTAGE TRADING CARDS WTF..."

"Anyyywayyys," Fury interrupts. "Thanks for coming everyone. Once we get our hands on the Tesseract, you're all in the clear. Unless it's a Portkey and transports us to some other planet, we'll be fine."

"We're sweeping every wirelessly accessible camera on the planet. Celphones, laptops - if it's connected to a satellite, it's eyes and ear for us." Coulson stuffs all his trading cards into his jacket pockets.

"Isn't that like," Steve says. "Like illegal?"

"Whatever because that's still not gonna find them in time." Natasha backflips through the window. "I'LL BE BACK."

"I'll be in the lab. GERONimOOOOOo!" Banner follows her out.

Steve and Coulson look at each other and twitch their eyes simultaneously.


End file.
